Can Cook, Will Swallow…

At the moment there seems to be a lot of Nigella oozing onto our TV screens.  I’m not sure what her TV show is about?  I mean, it’s supposed to be about cooking but to me it just looks like food porn!

If you watch her closely, you can see that her body language is very raunchy – she always softly caresses things, licks her fingers or prances around pouring sauces in slow motion while making a lot of cooing or sighing noises.  She caresses and touches the food too much, flicks her hair for the camera and when she speaks, she uses lots of very descriptive words that are surely meant to sound rude.  The episodes always end with her at night in a skimpy silk dressing gown getting some junk food out of the fridge and eating it sensually with her lips or in bed…  I’m not a prude or anything and I know sex sells, but she really overdoes it for me!

Which brings me to the food she cooks.  I mean, I don’t care that she’s not a chef, that doesn’t matter.  But she just cooks rubbish that’s full of fat, oil, cream or chocolate and we are led to believe this is what she normally cooks – but there’s no way she would be able to fit into the skimpy nightgown she wears if she ate that rubbish all the time!

And the ingredients she uses?  Some of the stuff looks really hard to get, even these days with supermarkets so diversely stocked.  Some of the ingredients look like they would be really difficult to get or really expensive – and when you are hosting a show about easy meals and talking about keeping a well-stocked pantry, I think it looks too silly and too posh to say you have all of these weird things ready at hand!

Here’s a Nigella recipe I half expect her to make next time I see her on TV:

Starter

Omelette made from phoenix eggs, garnished with a sprinkle of spice from the mines of dune and fresh herbs from a garden in Outer Mongolia.

Main Course

Grilled Unicorn steaks, fresh vegetables from the coral reef and Jus de Dodo.

Dessert

Ice Cream made from Mammoth’s milk, topped with cloudberry sauce and chocolate from the lost city of the Andes Mountains.

Beverages

  • Pompeii Red AD79 Special Reserve
  • White wine from RMS Titanic
  • Butterbeer from Hogwarts
  • Spring water from the Fountain of Youth

I wonder if you can find all of that at Waitrose? 😉

(Update:  some guy called ibbsters on twitter posted a link to a great mashup video of Nigella – it’s a bit rude bit it’s taken from things she says during her program – must admit, it kinda adds to my point here 😉 )

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About rubbergoat

Hi there! I’m a mad keen F1 fan who has been addicted to the sport for 20 years. I watch every race and follow the sport in every way I can. I have a keen interest in numbers and I would like to analyse the races from a statistical point of view to see if the data shows something we can't see on TV. As always, I’d love to hear what you think and especially if we can discuss my analyses that would be great – but please no nasty stuff!
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5 Responses to Can Cook, Will Swallow…

  1. MoJoker says:

    Can’t watched the video unless i’m someone’s friend 😦 Nice article though (liked the mention of Dune spice)!

  2. Jodie says:

    This is so true it’s unreal! Great post – although I quite fancy a pint of butterbeer now 😉

  3. Ino says:

    I love Nigella! I agree with many things on your post apart from the rubbish food – every recipe of hers that I’ve made has turned out really well (with her Chocolate Guinness cake my favourite!). I just think that all the things you accuse her of, make her interesting and fun. And I don’t think her style is fake – she is probably exaggerating a bit but it looks like its natural to her.

    But I do know many people who share your feelings 🙂

    • rubbergoat says:

      Fair call and a nice counterpoint. I suppose I was on a bit of a rant when I said her food was all rubbish as some of her recipes do look yummy – if a tad unhealthy 😉

      I don’t think she’s fake, like you say I think she exaggerates and it is fun but it’s a little too much for me. Having said that, if she inspires you to make yummy cakes and be happy from it then that’s awesome 😉

      • Ino says:

        Oh yeah, her recipes are normally filthy! Last time I watched it she was making a pasta sauce. She mentioned how there was no need in using oil to fry the salami, since it’s quite fatty. I thought she turned healthy (ish, she was still using salami!) and then she went on to put 4 tablespoons of butter in her tomato sauce, “to make it glossy”.

        You’ve got to love her. 😛

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